No One Can Shame You Without Your Consent
We have been told so many times in our society that we can shame other people, and that they can shame us.
But, here’s the thing, no one can shame you without your consent.
Other people don’t do the shaming. You do because shame is a feeling, and other people don’t control your feelings. You control your feelings.
Other people may try to shame you by doing all kinds of things, but it’s not their actions that cause your shame, it’s your thoughts. It’s whether you believe them or not, whether you believe that you “should” feel shame.
You don’t have to feel shame because you don’t have to believe that there is anything for you to feel shame about.
We also might think that not feeling shame won’t “teach us a lesson” or hold us accountable or get us to change our actions.
But, you do not have to feel shame to learn, grow, hold yourself accountable, and take different actions. You don’t have to feel shame at all. You get to think of yourself with love no matter what, and treat yourself with love. Even if you think you’ve done something wrong. Even if other people think you have done something wrong.
We’ve been taught to think that feeling shame is what motivates us to change our behavior, but, as feminist life coach Kara Loewentheil points out, it actually does the opposite effect. She says that “it makes us want to hide and not be seen because shame is tied to a self-belief that we are not enough or are unacceptable”.
Our culture teaches us to feel shame and to try and shame others, but the truth is that you don’t have to feel shame, and you cannot actually shame others because you can’t control how other people feel.
Perpetuating this notion that we can shame others and that others can shame us takes us out of our power and keeps us in a childlike emotional state instead of what life coach Brooke Castillo calls “emotional adulthood”.
Owning your emotions is the key to your inner power and freedom. Owning the thoughts you believe in your mind is also your power. No one else has that control of you. Thus, no one can shame you without your consent, and you cannot shame others without their consent.
Shame is not caused by your actions, but by your thoughts. It’s simply a feeling in the body that you have control over.
You get to have compassion and total self-acceptance and love for yourself no matter what. You can love yourself fully and not feel shame.
If you want to change your behavior or actions, pay attention to how your thoughts about yourself are causing your feelings, which then cause you to act in certain ways.
Ask yourself if shame serves you.
May you be in your power and experience emotional freedom. It is always available to you.
P.S. Want support in connecting to your inner power, feeling more confident and free? Check out my Feminist Mindset Coaching here.